


Remember To Always Kiss Your Homies

by Freelance_Magic



Category: Sam & Max
Genre: Boys Being Boys, Hey fellas is it gay to kiss your homies?, Kissing, M/M, Sam being clueless, Totally platonic behavior, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:01:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22951429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freelance_Magic/pseuds/Freelance_Magic
Summary: Sam and Max have always been affectionate with each other...maybe a little too much to be consider platonic however
Relationships: Max/Sam (Sam & Max)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 93





	Remember To Always Kiss Your Homies

It’s a clear day in New York City. Well...clear as it can get with all the air pollution anyways. People are busy getting to where they need to go, people are honking their car horns in small fits of road rage and there are at least a COUPLE of guys with Italian accents who yell  _ “EY I’M WALKING HERE!”  _ But that’s not what we are focusing on today. No, today we are focusing on the office of Sam and Max, freelance police. Where the previously mentioned duo is currently having a very intense make out session. Max is currently standing on Sam’s chest while using his tie to pull him deeper into his kisses. Sam at some point ditched his jacket and is just enjoying the ride. 

Well...he was until he broke the kiss. “Mmmh...hey, little buddy...I have a query.” Sam asks breathlessly as he moves his face away from Max so he can breathe. “Yeah? Go on, Sam.” Max encourages as he peppers kisses on Sam’s neck. “Are we gay?” Sam asks. Max stops dead and reels his head back. Max stares at Sam with an expression on his face that can only be described as  _ “really, bitch?” _

“What gave you THAT idea?” Max asks with clear sarcasm in his voice. “Well...I mean, I noticed that people give us questioning looks when we hold hands in public. Which is bizarre because if I remember correctly...when we were kids all the adults thought it was cute.” Sam points out. “Right, your Granny used to say we were two peas in a pod and I  **HATED** that. I am not some  **GODDAMN** veggie!” Max growls. “Wait, but what does that have to do with the gay question?” Max asks, focusing his attention back to the original topic. 

“Thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a pair of men who are friends hold hands in public before.” Sam points out. “That’s because of old farts who insist guy friends have to beat the crap out of each other to be pals and that any other form of affection is for cowards.” Max explains. “But I’m rough with you sometimes.” Sam points out. “I like it when you’re rough with me, Sam. You know this. Do you not remember a few nights ago when we...you know.” Max counters as he makes wild and possibly inappropriate hand gestures. “Oh yeah. I forgot.” Sam nods. “Anything else that made you ask the question? Or can we go back to making out? I think I was this close to reaching your uvula with my tongue.” Max says as he pinches his fingers together.

“I have a few more points of interest that I’d like to go over with you, little buddy.” Sam nods. Max sighs, exasperated. “Go ahead.” Max allows. “Okay, so...kissing.” Sam starts. “We are great at it in my opinion.” Max states proudly. “I concur, little buddy. Other than the fact that you need to floss more.” Sam agrees. “Everybody’s a critic.” Max sighs as he rolls his eyes. “I don’t think it’s typical for two heterosexual men to kiss so often, and with such wild abandon.” Sam points out. 

“It’s not typical, Sam. It’s french!” Sam- I mean, Max points out. “...But since we were kids though?” Sam recalls. 

**_Said recollection_ **

“Hey, Sam?” Little Max starts as he looks up at the clouds with his friend. “Yeah, little buddy?” Little Sam responds. “Why do people kiss?” Max asks. Sam thinks about the question for a moment. “Because they like each other?” Sam answers. “Oh, okay.” Max shrugs. The two sit in silence for a few moments. “That cloud looks like it’s mugging the other one.” Sam points out. Max giggles. “You’re right!” Max exclaims as he claps at the fluffy crime that is taking place. “Hey, Sam?” Max repeats. “Yeah, Max?” Sam responds. “We like each other, right?” Max asks. “You know it, little buddy! You’re my bestest pal in the whole world!” Sam smiles. 

“So we should kiss, right?” Max points out. Sam sits up and lets what Max just said sink in. “But we are both boys?” Sam points out. “I wear dresses sometimes. None of the other boys at school do that.” Max points out. “You make a compelling argument.” Sam nods. “So...do you want to kiss?” Max asks. Sam doesn’t say anything, he just stares at Max. “Sam?” Max asks as he waves his hand in front of Sam’s face. Sam then leans in and kisses Max on his cheek. “I think I saw something on TV about going slow. I’m not sure what it means, but I think it might mean we have to kiss each other on the cheek for a while, so we don’t get sick or something.” Sam explains. 

“Okay! Slow it is! Now...it’s my turn to give you a kiss!” Max points out as he leans in to give Sam a kiss on the cheek. 

**_Back to the modern day_ **

“Actually, that is pretty french now that I think about it.” Sam points out. “Then we got good at french kissing as teenagers.” Max recalls. 

**_Everybody just loves back to back transitions_ **

“Max, I need your help!” Sam exclaims as he bursts into Max’s room. “It’s going to be okay, Sam. I know exactly where to hide the body.” Max comforts. “What? No, I don’t need to hide a dead body.” Sam shakes his head. “Drat.” Max grumbles. “Stacy Lewis from biochem asked to meet me by the lake!” Sam exclaims. “You mean the girl you keep going on about in a embarrassing display of teen hormones?” Max asks. “The very same, little buddy!” Sam exclaims excitedly. “...You do realize that she’s dating the jackass quarterback, right?” Max asks. 

“...Maybe they broke up?” Sam shrugs. “Okay, Sam. Are you telling me that your standards are low enough to be the REBOUND for this random girl who you BARELY even spoke to?” Max inquiries. “Yes, yes my standards are that low.” Sam nods. Max rolls his eyes in exasperation. “Hetero attraction is a hell of a drug.” Max grumbles under his breath. “What was that, little buddy?” Sam asks. “Nothing. But are you aware that this might be a ploy to have her beefy boyfriend who has a nice ass beat you up?” Max asks. “I’m willing to take that risk. Also, what was that about her boyfriend’s-?” Sam starts. “Fine.” Max sighs, interrupting Sam. “I’ll help you.” Max gives in. Max sits up. “So, what do you need my help with?” Max asks. 

“Well...I barely know anything about romance.” Sam starts. “You got that damn right. You can’t even tell when somebody likes you.” Max agrees with a hint of bitterness in his voice. “So...how do you kiss?” Sam asks. “Sam, we have been using kisses on the cheek for years as a way of greeting each other and saying goodbye and sometimes just for fun. You know how to kiss.” Max points out. “But we don’t kiss on the lips.” Sam points out. “...How much do you know about kissing anyways?” Max asks. “I’ve been kissing my hand for practice.” Sam says as he lifts said hand. 

_“God, I wish I was that hand.”_ Max thinks to himself. “Like you’ll learn anything by sucking on your dirty maws all day. Come on, I’ll show you how to kiss.” Max says as he gestures for Sam to sit next to him. “How are you going to do that, little buddy?” Sam asks. “We’ll kiss each other.” Max states. “Isn’t that a little...homosexual?” Sam asks. _“Oh, it’s not a little homosexual my dear dumb, dumb Sammy boy. It’s VERY homosexual.”_ Max thinks to himself. “Isn’t the best way to master something to actually practice it?” Max asks, avoiding the question. “Hm...I can’t argue with that logic!” Sam shrugs as he sits down beside Max on his bed. 

The two then began to make out...for hours. So long in fact, that Sam ended up making out with Max past the time where he was supposed to meet up with Stacy Lewis.

**_The present day_ **

“Didn’t she turn up dead along with her jackass boyfriend?” Max asks. “Yeah, but that was after we graduated. She was murdered by a reanimated lake corpse or something if I remember.” Sam recalls. “Huh. Neat.” Max hums. “...So are we gay?” Sam asks. Max looks over to his and Sam’s wedding certificate. “...Sam. You know how even after you never met up with Stacy Lewis, you and I still made out?” Max asks. “Yep.” Sam nods. “And when we were in our late teens and early twenties we started doing more sexual things?” Max asks. “Where are you going with this?” Sam asks. 

Max grabs Sam’s and his marriage license off the wall. “REMEMBER WHEN WE ACTUALLY GOT MARRIED?!” Max exclaims. “...That was a bromance thing, right?” Sam shrugs sheepishly. Max just stares at his husband in shock. “So when I asked you to marry me...you thought I just wanted to show my homie I was never leaving his side?” Max asks. “More or less?” Sam answers. “...No, Sam. We aren’t gay. I’m gay.” Max clears up. “Oh, okay!” Sam nods with a dumb smile on his face. “You, on the other hand, are a bisexual moron.” Max says as he points a finger in Sam’s face. “Rude…” Sam whimpers. 

Max cringes. “God I’m so weak.” Max sighs as he smashes Sam’s and his faces together. “I just can’t resist you when you whimper like that.” Max bemoans. Sam blushes as his tough falls out the side of his mouth. “What the hell is going on? Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?” Max asks. Sam giggles. “I’m only messing with you, little buddy. Well...sort of.” Sam clarifys. “Sort of?” Max asks. “Well, I never really had a… _ ”oh my god I’m gay”  _ moment. We just sort of...naturally progressed to the point of being a couple.” Sam explains. “...Just a couple of bros apparently.” Max snarks. “A couple of years ago I kind of realized I always loved you. It just evolved so naturally and we were also so affectionate that I didn’t even realize what happened until that point.” Sam explains further. 

“So you’re still a dumbass?” Max asks. Sam nods with a little blush. “It’s pretty stupid in retrospective. Most heterosexual men don’t sigh  _ “I love you”  _ to their best friend every night as they cuddle as they fall asleep.” Max- I mean, Sam points out. “Cuddle while naked.” Max clarifys. “Just another detail on this metaphorical art piece that is my past misunderstanding of...everything.” Sam adds. “...By the way, how do you know I’m bisexual and not something else?” Sam asks. “The amount of times you’ve done finger guns is pretty telling, Sam.” Max points out. 

“...I thought it was just a cool gesture…” Sam mumbles to himself. “...So…can we go back to making out now?” Max asks. “Gotta always kiss the homies to remind them how important they are to me.” Sam chuckles as he pulls Max closer to himself. “Hey, Sam? Never say that sentence again.” Max demands. “Make me.” Sam whispers. 

And so the two go back to their make out session, knowing full well that it’s pretty darn gay.

**Author's Note:**

> TL;DR  
> Sam: Are we gay?  
> Max: We’re married?  
> Sam: My question still stands, little buddy.
> 
> Hey, it’s been awhile! I saw katie-wants-dount’s post on tumblr about the lack of Sam and Max fics on AO3 so I figured I’d make this one shot that I have been meaning to make for awhile.


End file.
